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Post by edina on Jan 27, 2014 7:09:43 GMT
Three nuns were talking.
The first nun said, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines."
What did you do?" the other nuns asked. Well, of course I threw them in the trash."
The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!" "Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked. "I poked holes in all of them!" she replied.
The third nun fainted.
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Post by edina on Jan 27, 2014 13:40:23 GMT
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Post by gaz on Jan 27, 2014 14:28:44 GMT
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Post by n brown on Jan 27, 2014 14:29:38 GMT
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Post by gaz on Jan 27, 2014 14:37:22 GMT
wheelly?
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Post by n brown on Jan 27, 2014 14:42:24 GMT
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Post by NeilyG on Jan 27, 2014 17:59:27 GMT
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Post by edina on Jan 28, 2014 5:21:30 GMT
A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her - Good looking as well, cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional, in a store like Harrods. He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?' Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks,'what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'
He answers, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going to sh*t yourself when I tell you the price!"
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Post by edina on Jan 28, 2014 8:09:16 GMT
I would like to share an experience with you all, about drinking and driving. As you well know, some of us (not me) have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years. A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many bubbles and some rather nice chardonnay. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before - I took a bus home. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it from!
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Post by NeilyG on Jan 28, 2014 10:33:36 GMT
Chap walks into a sperm bank (got covered in... - no, won't go there) to give a sample. It's the first time he's done this and he nervously approaches the desk from where, with barely a word spoken, the nurse guides him straight to a tiny cubicle and a plastic cup is shoved into his hand, along with porn magazines and the door is shut so he is left to get on with the task.
He's sat there for a while trying to serve queen & country but try as he might he just can't rise to the occasion. After 30 minutes of no success he's on the verge of giving up when suddenly there is thumping loud bump & grind music playing in the cubicle next door, along with flashing lights and the sound of intense ecstatic moaning. He jumps up onto a bench and peers over to look down into the next cubicle and sees three buxom nurses clambering all over some lucky bloke, performing every sexual favour imaginable.
Scarcely believing what he's seeing, our man jumps back down, barges out of his cubicle and, with pants still down around his ankles, stumbles to the nurse at the desk and says "What the f's goin on ere like??? I come ere in good faith and all I get is a couple of dirty mags, not even tea & biscuits, while some other guy gets all that treatment next door!!"
The nurse coolly looks at him and says "Sorry, sir, but you're not a member of BUPA are you."
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Post by edina on Jan 28, 2014 17:36:16 GMT
A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'
'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'
'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.' Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'
'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your porridge.’
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Post by edina on Jan 29, 2014 15:49:35 GMT
Earl was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to the hardware store.
At the hardware store, Mary saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while she was waiting for Carl, the manager, to finish waiting on a customer. When Carl was finished, Mary asked "How much for the teapot?" Carl replied, "That's silver and it costs $300." "My goodness that sure is a lot of money!" Mary exclaimed.
Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Earl had sent her to buy, and Carl went to the back room to find it. From the back room Carl yelled, "Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?" Mary replied, "No, but I will for the teapot."
This is why you can't send a woman to a hardware store
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Post by edina on Jan 30, 2014 4:25:16 GMT
Love Story on a train
A man and woman, who had never met before, but who were both married, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1.00 am, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, 'Ma'am...? I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?’ I'm awfully cold.'
'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight......let's pretend that we're married'
'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed..
'Good,' she replied. 'Get your own f...ing blanket.'
After a moment of silence...he farted.
The End
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Post by edina on Jan 30, 2014 5:39:59 GMT
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Post by robmac on Jan 30, 2014 8:27:00 GMT
Brilliant!
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Post by edina on Jan 30, 2014 12:32:36 GMT
Father John's BathnightIt was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray. The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone. 'Oh, sister,' said the young nun dreamily, 'I've been saved.' 'Saved? And how did that come about?' asked the old nun. 'Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.' 'Did he now?' said the old nun evenly. Sister Magdalene continued, 'And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fitted my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.' 'Is that a fact?' said the old nun in a hardening tone. 'At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.' 'That wicked old bastard,' said the old nun. 'He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years! '
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Post by edina on Jan 31, 2014 5:57:04 GMT
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a harmony-for-couples weekend, Dave and his Partner, Elaine, listened to the instructor declare "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He then addressed the men: "Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower gentlemen?"
Dave leaned over, touched Elaine's arm gently and whispered: "It's Homepride, isn't it darling?"
Thus began Dave's life of celibacy.
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Post by Firefox on Jan 31, 2014 11:43:37 GMT
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Post by Deleted on Jan 31, 2014 17:36:10 GMT
How ironic. Just downloaded the Jobcentre Plus app and it doesn't work..........
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Post by edina on Feb 1, 2014 5:37:11 GMT
A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husbands temper and threatening manner.
The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?
The woman says:
"Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk, he threatens to slap me around."
The Doctor says:
"I have a real good cure for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is asleep."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says:
"Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me! How does the water do that?"
The Doctor says:
"The water does **** all, it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick...."
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Post by edina on Feb 2, 2014 5:48:10 GMT
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physiotherapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd only allow me,' she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his trousers and put her hands slowly and carefully inside. She then administered a tender and skilful massage for several long moments and softly asked, 'How does that feel'? Feels wonderful, he replied; but I still think my thumb's broken!
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Post by robmac on Feb 2, 2014 11:03:44 GMT
A man was standing in the A&E department with a golf club sticking out of his backside. I asked him how it happened. He replied;
"I was playing golf with the wife, and at the 18th she played a lovely chip onto the green, about 6 inches from the flag, whereas my approach shot landed about 20 feet from the pin, when we walked onto the green, I said "this hole looks like yours honey", that's when it happened".
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Post by edina on Feb 2, 2014 16:52:03 GMT
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Post by edina on Feb 3, 2014 5:25:38 GMT
Paddy is terribly overweight, so his doctor puts him on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."
When Paddy returns, he's lost nearly 20 pounds! "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions exactly?"
Paddy nods, "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor.
"No, from all that ****ing skipping," replied Paddy.
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Post by Is it spring yet, dormouse? on Feb 3, 2014 6:24:59 GMT
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Post by edina on Feb 4, 2014 5:12:28 GMT
Patrick, who was on holiday from Ireland on Bondi beach couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls. So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice. Mate,it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're years outta style. You 're best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' ya mate...you'll have all the babes ya want!" The following weekend, Patrick hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, and laughing, looking sick! So Patrick went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, "What's wrong now?" JAHEESUS!" said the lifeguard, "Maaaaate. The potato goes in front!"
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Post by edina on Feb 5, 2014 6:17:54 GMT
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Post by edina on Feb 5, 2014 14:01:56 GMT
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Post by gaz on Feb 5, 2014 16:01:13 GMT
like havin freckles and a bottle of beer in yer hand ...i see your a proud people ...class pure class christ that made me laff
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Post by edina on Feb 6, 2014 5:12:41 GMT
Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally cut off all 10 of his fingers. He went to the emergency room in Cork hospital. The doctor looked at Paddy and said, 'Lets be avin' da fingers and I'll see what oi can do'. Paddy said, 'Oi haven't got da fingers.' 'Whadda ya mean you haven't got da fingers? Lord Tunderin' Jesus, it's 2014! We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put dem back on and made you like new! Why didn't ya bring da fingers?!?' And Paddy said, ' How da f*** was I 'spose to pick dem up !!!
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