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Post by gaz on Jan 17, 2014 9:01:53 GMT
The cat one reminds me of Gaz ! Don't know WHY just does does it remind you of that day you come home and found me hiding in your wardrobe.....but in my defence i was looking for xmas presents ......or are you saying i should come out the closet?
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Post by penny13 on Jan 17, 2014 11:54:01 GMT
I knew we had met before, Christmas present my .... Rob told you about my secret sexy stash of chocolate
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Post by gaz on Jan 17, 2014 12:27:33 GMT
I knew we had met before, Christmas present my .... Rob told you about my secret sexy stash of chocolate nah rob never said a word to me about yer secret stash of chocolate right at the back on the left under yer box of shoes all wrapped in a silk scarf...ooopss
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Post by gaz on Jan 17, 2014 22:31:05 GMT
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Post by edina on Jan 18, 2014 7:29:07 GMT
The lead actor in the local pantomime Aladdin was sexually abused from behind on stage last night. To be fair the audience did try to warn him.
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Post by edina on Jan 19, 2014 6:12:18 GMT
Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees a big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.
"My, what big eyes you have, Mr.Wolf."
The wolf jumps up and runs away.
Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush.
"My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf."
Again the wolf jumps up and runs away.
About two miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.
"My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf."
With that the wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you knock it off, I'm trying to take a crap!"
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Post by edina on Jan 20, 2014 7:54:51 GMT
A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes. Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell. The Game Warden was hot on his heels. After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him. "Let's see yer fishin' license, Boy!" the Warden gasped. With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license. "Well, son," said the Game Warden, "you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!" "Yes, sir," replied the young guy, "but my friend back there, well, he don't have one."
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Post by gaz on Jan 20, 2014 14:09:57 GMT
fergal and murphy were lookin thru the catalogue one afternoon fergal says to murphy ...theres some smart woman in these pages murphy says bloody hell there cheap too shall we order ourselves a couple each a week goes by and murphy rings fergal and says ..have them smart young lasses turned up yet fergal says no ...but they must be here real soon cos there clothes have arrived
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Post by robmac on Jan 20, 2014 14:30:27 GMT
.....and what about the woman who rowed right across the Irish sea before she found out that a Murphy 15 inch was a television set!
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Post by edina on Jan 20, 2014 15:33:21 GMT
Paddy met Mick in the street and Mick said: "Paddy, will you be drawing your bedroom curtains before making love to your wife in the future?"
"Why?" asked Paddy.
"Because", said Mick, "All the street was laughing when they saw you making love to her yesterday".
Mick replied, "Silly buggers! - the laughs on them. I wasn't home yesterday!
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Post by edina on Jan 20, 2014 16:26:19 GMT
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Post by Is it spring yet, dormouse? on Jan 21, 2014 12:34:58 GMT
Pinched!
TV interviewer: What does your father do for a living?
Interviewee: He's a magician. He cuts people in two.
TV interviewer: Do you have any brothers or sisters?
Interviewee: Yes! - one half-brother, and one half-sister.
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Post by n brown on Jan 21, 2014 13:38:12 GMT
this is an actual radio interview I had when part of leamingtons high street was pedestrianized- hello sir what do you think about the pedestrianisation of the high st
I don't care
but do you think it's an improvement or not ?
I couldn't give a toss either way
but wouldn't you agree that if there's no cars,there's a lot less chance of being run over?
I suppose so
well then,wouldn't you say that's a good thing ?
do you know what ? I think you're right
thank you very much
don't know if it went out or not but the guy's persistence in the face of such surliness did tickle me !
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Post by robmac on Jan 21, 2014 13:49:48 GMT
I got interviewed in Peterborough once, typical young bubbly, attractive radio type girlie, she asked me 3 questions, which I answered correctly, then said "congratulations you've won our caller £200" amidst loud siren type noises coming from speakers which had the radio show playing.
Apparently some other bloke was live on the radio and if I gave the same answers which he had, he won the dosh! If I'd known I'd have given some rather different answers, unless he offered me a cut!
Moochin radio phoner inners!
I'm mean like that.
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Post by edina on Jan 22, 2014 9:57:10 GMT
A man wakes up one morning with the filthiest hangover and no recollection of the night before. Slowly opening his eyes, he sees a bottle of aspirin and a glass of water on the bedside table. He looks around the room to find his clothes are on the dresser, neatly folded, with a clean shirt on top. The bedroom is immaculate. On the bedside table is a note, which says, 'Darling, your breakfast is in the kitchen. I love you.'
Downstairs, he finds his favourite cereal, croissants, fresh OJ and freshly brewed coffee laid out waiting for him, along with the morning paper - and his 15-year-old son, who is finishing his own breakfast. 'Tell me, son,' he asks, 'what happened last night?'
'Well, says the boy, 'you came home so blind drunk you didn't even know your own name. You nearly broke the door down, then you were sick in the hallway, then you knocked the furniture over and when Mum tried to calm you down, you thought she was the police, so you gave her a black eye.'
'Christ!' says the man. 'Then how come my clothes are all folded, the house is tidy and my breakfast is ready?'
'When Mum dragged you into the bedroom and tried to get your trousers off to put you into bed, you shouted at her, 'Get your filthy hands off me, you whore, I'm married!''
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Post by edina on Jan 22, 2014 14:48:48 GMT
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Post by Firefox on Jan 22, 2014 15:30:27 GMT
^^ He may be young but, Internet Explorer, hehehe! That's one icon you never double click (Exception to rule: For downloading Chrome/Firefox/Opera )
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Post by Neva Aglenn on Jan 22, 2014 17:16:48 GMT
Can I just say...assume that EVERY post on this thread has a 'Like' from Me.......I really can't be arsed to keep clicking!!!!
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Post by edina on Jan 23, 2014 6:17:09 GMT
Psychiatrist “Do you ever look at your wife’s face when you are making love?”
Henry “I did once and saw such anger there”
Psychiatrist “Why anger?”
Henry “Because she was watching us through the window”
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Post by edina on Jan 24, 2014 6:36:22 GMT
Harry “I went for my routine check-up today” Bert “Is everything OK?” Harry “Well it was going fine until he stuck his finger up my bum” Bert “That’s normal procedure” Harry “So you don’t think I should change dentists then?"
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Post by edina on Jan 24, 2014 15:58:28 GMT
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Post by edina on Jan 24, 2014 16:07:36 GMT
THE COMPUTER SWALLOWED GRANDMA The computer swallowed grandma. Yes, honestly its true! She pressed 'control' and 'enter' And disappeared from view. It devoured her completely, The thought just makes me squirm. She must have caught a virus Or been eaten by a worm. I've searched through the recycle bin And files of every kind; I've even used the Internet, But nothing did I find. In desperation, I asked Google My searches to refine. The reply from him was negative, Not a thing was found 'online.' So, if inside your 'In-box,' My Grandma you should see, Please 'Copy,' 'Paste' or 'Scan' her And send her back to me.
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Post by Neva Aglenn on Jan 24, 2014 18:24:30 GMT
You really need 'I'm Here All Week' printed under Your Avatar Chris!
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Post by robmac on Jan 24, 2014 18:30:41 GMT
You really need 'I'm Here All Week' printed under Your Avatar Chris! It's called being retired Glenn. Now get back to work and keep us in the manner we have become accustomed to!
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Post by Neva Aglenn on Jan 24, 2014 19:38:47 GMT
SHUT UP ABOUT RETIREMENT!!!!!! It's SO infuriating for Us Youngsters!!
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Post by edina on Jan 24, 2014 20:31:31 GMT
SHUT UP ABOUT RETIREMENT!!!!!! It's SO infuriating for Us Youngsters!! Parking Tickets Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day, my wife and I went into town and visited a shop. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?' He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him an “arsehole”. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres. So the wife called him a “shit head”. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing more tickets; this went on for about 20 minutes, the more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.
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Post by robmac on Jan 24, 2014 20:58:54 GMT
I found these little classics which should help me through my day;
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Post by n brown on Jan 24, 2014 22:14:58 GMT
SHUT UP ABOUT RETIREMENT!!!!!! It's SO infuriating for Us Youngsters!! oh yes,must be a right pain being young and fit-well -young anyway
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Post by edina on Jan 25, 2014 6:30:10 GMT
After being married for 40 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Forty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.
Now .... I have a £5,000,000 home, a £135,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 63-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy's problems.
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Post by edina on Jan 26, 2014 7:32:14 GMT
Bill and his wife Blanche go to the county fair every year, and every year Bill would say,
" Blanche, I'd like to ride in that helicopter "
Blanche always replied,
" I know Bill, but that helicopter ride is twenty quid, and twenty quid is twenty quid! "
One year Bill and Blanche went to the fair, and Bill said,
" Blanche, I'm 75 years old, and if I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance "
To this, Blanche replied,
" Bill that helicopter ride is twenty quid, and twenty quid is twenty quid "
The pilot overheard the couple and said,
" Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! but if you say one word it's twenty quid. " Bill and Blanche agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,
But still not a word...
When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said,
" By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't, I'm impressed! "
Bill replied,
" Well, to tell you the truth I almost said something when Blanche fell out, but you know,
Twenty quid is twenty quid! "
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