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Post by edina on Nov 24, 2013 6:20:01 GMT
I hope I’m not treading on anyone’s toes by starting this thread. I’ll try not to offend and if you’re not Irish, English, Welsh, Scottish, Jewish, religious, overweight, bald, blond, a lawyer or a politician you may be OK.
TWO PRAWNS
Far away in the tropical waters of the Coral Sea , two prawns were swimming around.
One called Justin and the other called Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.
Finally one day Justin said to Christian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn;
I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted'
Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.
All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.
Justin began to realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps
the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.
He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.
(The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).
Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.'Where's Christian?' he asked.
'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark', came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode.
As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin,
your old friend, come out and see me again.'
Christian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'
Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.'..........
(You're going to love this................................)
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'I've found Cod.
I'm a Prawn again Christian'
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Post by Oldish Hippy on Nov 24, 2013 6:21:48 GMT
oh dear me you get worrse chris
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Post by edina on Nov 24, 2013 6:24:29 GMT
Sorry Barrie, I'm trying (very). Where's the "who's awake" thread?
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Post by Is it spring yet, dormouse? on Nov 24, 2013 7:05:30 GMT
Must try harder! Life: unfinished threads in a never-ending tapestry
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Post by edina on Nov 24, 2013 10:56:51 GMT
As Morgan doesn’t seem to visit here very often, I’ll let you all into a little secret of how he got his nickname. It all started when he was a young lad in school; by bribing various school archivists, I was able to obtain this class photo of his – I think you’ll be able to spot him and then understand why he got the name. Attachments:
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Post by Is it spring yet, dormouse? on Nov 24, 2013 11:05:10 GMT
he he! Nah! His bum's too clean, can't see any sheep muck Life: unfinished threads in a never-ending tapestry
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Post by billieblue on Nov 24, 2013 11:16:11 GMT
Well it made me larf!
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Post by Is it spring yet, dormouse? on Nov 24, 2013 11:20:58 GMT
A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits!
Life: unfinished threads in a never-ending tapestry
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Post by Is it spring yet, dormouse? on Nov 24, 2013 11:27:29 GMT
A guy goes into a seafood restaurant and asks to see the dishes of the day. The waiter wheels over a trolley and the man examines the dishes.
"I'll have the little green squid with the hairy lip, please" says the man. "O.K." replies the waiter and calls out "Gervais!"
A little French chef appears with a large knife, the waiter instructs the chef to kill the little green squid with the hairy lip.
Gervais is just about to slice at the poor squid when he notices a tear running down its face. Gervais is touched, and admits that he hasn't the heart to kill the squid.
"Not to worry" says the waiter, and calls out "Hans!!" at which an enormous German bloke comes out of the kitchen. "Sir", says the waiter, "this is Hans, the dishwasher. Hans, kill that squid!"
The dishwasher wields a huge rolling pin and is just about to bludgeon the little green squid with the hairy lip when it cringes back and gives a little cry.
"I am sorry sir, I just cannot kill the squid" Hans admits, his lower lip trembling.
"Well sir," says the waiter, "it just goes to show. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
That Hans that do dishes, can be soft as Gervais. With mild green, hairy lip squid!"
Life: unfinished threads in a never-ending tapestry
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Post by n brown on Nov 24, 2013 12:45:05 GMT
As Morgan doesn’t seem to visit here very often, I’ll let you all into a little secret of how he got his nickname. It all started when he was a young lad in school; by bribing various school archivists, I was able to obtain this class photo of his – I think you’ll be able to spot him and then understand why he got the name. you're right,instantly recognisable ! his face hasn't changed at all,still that smooth cheeked young fellow
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Post by edina on Nov 25, 2013 4:50:50 GMT
A man is alone in an airport lounge. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him.
He thinks, because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty stewardess. So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.
He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto :
'To Fly. To Serve'.
The woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line. He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto:
'Winning the hearts of the world'.
Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face. Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto:
'Going beyond expectations'.
The woman looks at him sternly and says:
'What the **** do you want?'
'Ah ha!' he says
"Ryanair".
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Post by edina on Nov 25, 2013 5:32:41 GMT
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Post by morganthemoon on Nov 25, 2013 8:13:53 GMT
As Morgan doesn’t seem to visit here very often, I’ll let you all into a little secret of how he got his nickname. It all started when he was a young lad in school; by bribing various school archivists, I was able to obtain this class photo of his – I think you’ll be able to spot him and then understand why he got the name. You been showing photos of me Chris. lol
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Post by edina on Nov 25, 2013 8:18:26 GMT
How are you Haydn, still grafting?
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Post by morganthemoon on Nov 25, 2013 8:22:49 GMT
How are you Haydn, still grafting? Yes Chris, spent all last week on a refresher course. I told them I was fresh enough but they would not have it. The guy who took the course said I'll see you in 3 years, I said no chance mate I'll be gone.
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Post by morganthemoon on Nov 25, 2013 8:28:58 GMT
How are you Haydn, still grafting? Nice to see you about again Chris. How are you? Are going south this winter?
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Post by edina on Nov 25, 2013 8:48:03 GMT
How are you Haydn, still grafting? Nice to see you about again Chris. How are you? Are going south this winter? Thanks, Eventually, I hope; got a knee op next month, so it looks as though it will be the new year before we get away. We're at Tanpits in Taunton, as it's near our daughters and not too far from Mum, who had her 98th birthday last month. I get so bored when I'm not travelling but no good leaving my knee it's got to be done.
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Post by edina on Nov 26, 2013 5:04:06 GMT
A man goes into a doctor's office feeling a little ill.
The doctor checks him over and says, 'Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus.
It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live.
There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth..' So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.
Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before. They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins £35. Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins £320 Then he gets the full house and wins £5000. Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too getting £780,000.
The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, 'Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full-house and the national game on the same card. You must be the luckiest b*****d on Earth!'
'Lucky?' he screamed. 'Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24'.
'Well, stone me!' says the bingo caller.
'You've won the meat raffle as well !!!
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Post by edina on Nov 26, 2013 5:22:23 GMT
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Post by lotusanne on Nov 26, 2013 21:26:18 GMT
Little boy comes home and says to his dad "Dad, dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who has been married for 30 years!!). Dad replies, "Never mind son you might get a speaking part next time!" (sorry girls!!)
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Post by n brown on Nov 26, 2013 22:08:47 GMT
a man walks into a bar-----it really hurt
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Post by Oldish Hippy on Nov 26, 2013 22:16:22 GMT
a man walks into a bar-----it really hurt remind of del boy falling through the bar flap
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Post by edina on Nov 27, 2013 6:42:51 GMT
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Post by edina on Nov 27, 2013 6:46:51 GMT
When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex?
'Tarzan not know sex,' he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said,’ ....Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree.'
Horrified Jane said, 'Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly.'
She took off her clothing and lay down on the ground.
'Here,' she said, pointing to her privates, 'you must put it in here.'
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood, stepped closer to her and kicked her full on in the crotch!
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually gasping for air she screamed 'What the **** did you do that for?'
Tarzan replied, 'Check for squirrel.'
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Post by lotusanne on Nov 27, 2013 9:03:28 GMT
Man walks into a bar and asks for a Double Entendre. So the barmaid gives him one!
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Post by edina on Nov 28, 2013 4:59:15 GMT
Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumour or spread gossip. In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?" "Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test." 'Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance. "That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?" "No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it." "All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?" "No, on the contrary..." "So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?" The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. "Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?" "No, not really." "Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?" The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was sh***ing his wife!
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Post by edina on Nov 28, 2013 5:04:52 GMT
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Post by robmac on Nov 28, 2013 5:28:31 GMT
Man walks into a bar and asks for a Double Entendre. So the barmaid gives him one! Fnarr Fnarr.
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Post by robmac on Nov 28, 2013 6:14:34 GMT
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son.. He gives the young boy three 10p coins to play with to keep him occupied.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking and going blue in the face.... The father realises the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him on the back..
The boy coughs up 2 of the 10p's but is still choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper, places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully pulls down his pants; takes hold of the boy's' testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly.. tighter and tighter !!! After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last of the 10p's, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat at the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor? "
'No,' the woman replied. I'm with the Inland Revenue..'
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Post by edina on Nov 28, 2013 16:46:28 GMT
Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet. Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me". Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".
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