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Post by edina on Feb 6, 2014 9:10:26 GMT
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Post by robmac on Feb 6, 2014 9:13:39 GMT
No comment!
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Post by edina on Feb 7, 2014 14:23:19 GMT
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Post by gaz on Feb 7, 2014 16:59:26 GMT
in my haste i clicked the link without reading the wording ...iam of course deeply offended and can now not stomach my tea....early night for me then
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Post by edina on Feb 7, 2014 17:33:26 GMT
in my haste i clicked the link without reading the wording ...iam of course deeply offended and can now not stomach my tea....early night for me then I'm sorry to hear that. I did put the warning for people of a sensitive nature, such as your good self. In recompense here's an earworm for you: www.youtube.com/watch?v=_QoKkXDPGmw
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Post by gaz on Feb 7, 2014 19:46:22 GMT
oh no please let me off this train
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Post by francophile1947 on Feb 7, 2014 21:02:12 GMT
BONNIE DONE FELL IN LOVE; SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE SHE WAS SO HAPPY ‘BOUT IT ALL SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.
PAPPY TOLD HER, “BONNIE GAL, YOU’LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER. I’D JUST AS SOON YO’ MA DON’T KNOW, BUT JOE IS YO’ HALF BROTHER.”
SO BONNIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL, BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS, HE SAID, “THERE’S TROUBLE STILL.
“YOU CAN’T MARRY WILL, MY GAL, AND PLEASE DON’T TELL YO’ MOTHER, BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO’ I KNOW IS YO’ HALF BROTHER.”
BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, “MY CHILD, JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO’ HAPPY. MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE. YOU AIN’T NO KIN TO PAPPY.”
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Post by edina on Feb 8, 2014 5:23:00 GMT
A woman's confession.
The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
(Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least.
Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'
When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh shit.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.
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Post by edina on Feb 8, 2014 13:15:31 GMT
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Post by edina on Feb 8, 2014 14:21:32 GMT
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Post by edina on Feb 9, 2014 5:40:17 GMT
A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather sitting on the porch in the rocking chair wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from the waist down.
'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for everyone to see!' he exclaimed.
The old man looked off in the distance without answering.
'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with no trousers or pants on?' he asked again.
The old man slowly looked at him and said,
'Well....last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.'
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Post by robmac on Feb 9, 2014 11:01:58 GMT
An old man was sitting in his rocking chair on the porch, with his grandson on his knee. Gazing at the lawn, they noticed a worm crawl out of it's hole and slowly move across the lawn. 'Right' said the old man to his grandson, 'I bet you 5 pounds you can't get that old worm back into his wormhole'.
With this, the youngster ran off into the kitchen, reappearing a minute later with a can of spray starch. He liberally sprayed the worm which went immediately rigid, thus enabling him to thread the worm back into the wormhole.
'Wait there' Said the old man, and he walked off into the house. Half an hour later, the old man came back out.
'Here's your fiver, young feller' he said.
'Oh and here's a fiver from Grandma as well'.
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Post by cardmaker on Feb 9, 2014 19:19:49 GMT
A bloke working on the buses taking fares pushes one of his passengers to off the bus and kills him. At the trial he is found guilty of murder and is sentenced to the electric chair.
As a last meal he asks for a bunch of green bananas, which he duly eats.
They sit him down, plug him in a send a million volts through him. When the smoke clears he is sitting there, right as rain. Checking through the statutes the governor finds he has no choice but to release him.
The chap goes back to his job on the buses and lo and behold allows another passenger to fall to his death. Once again he is found guilty and sentenced to death.
At the prison he, again, asks for a bunch of green bananas, which he duly recieves and scoffs down. In the chair again and this time he is zapped with 2 million volts. Smoke clears and bugger me there he sits, right as rain.
As before he goes back to his old job. Through a combination of stupidity and sheer malice he, yet again, allows another passenger to fall to their death (under a train at that, it was quite nasty really!) The judge has no choice but to find him guilty and off he goes to the chair.
As you may have guessed he asks for his bunch of green bananas (getting predictable now) Eats them, gets strapped in, 3 million volts and yep, he's right as rain.
The executioner, who is really pi55ed off by now, approaches him and asks what the secret is, is it (as he suspects) the green bananas that save his life. "No" replies the prisoner "I'm just a bad conductor!"
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Post by edina on Feb 10, 2014 8:56:02 GMT
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Post by edina on Feb 10, 2014 10:43:23 GMT
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Post by edina on Feb 10, 2014 18:44:07 GMT
They met at the OAP singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company. After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town. Despite his age, they ended at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.
As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.....
Claude was thinking: 'If I'd known she was still a virgin, I'd have been gentler.'
Maude was thinking: 'If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken my tights off
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Post by edina on Feb 11, 2014 13:21:31 GMT
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Post by edina on Feb 12, 2014 6:40:52 GMT
Paddy's Medical Dictionary
Artery -------------The study of paintings Bacteria-----------Back door to cafeteria Barium-------------What doctors do when patients die Benign--------------What you be after you be eight Caesarean Section------A neighbourhood in Rome Catscan---------------Searching for kitty Cauterize------------Made eye contact with her Colic--------------------A sheep dog Dilate------------------To live long Enema ---------------Not a friend Fester------------------Quicker than someone else Fibula------------------A small lie Impotent--------------Distinguished/ well known Labour pain---------Getting hurt at work Medical Staff--------A doctors cane Morbid------------------A higher offer Nitrates-----------------Cheaper than day rates Node---------------------I knew it Outpatient-------------A person that has fainted Pelvis--------------------Second cousin to Elvis Post Operative-------A letter carrier Recovery room-------Place to do upholstery Rectum------------------Nearly killed him Secretion----------------Hiding something Seizure-------------------Roman emperor Tablet---------------------A small table Terminal Illness------Getting sick at the airport Tumour---------------One plus one more Urine-------------------Opposite of your out 2x Condoms --------To be sure, to be sure
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Post by Deleted on Feb 12, 2014 22:06:56 GMT
Blackberry for sale its on orange open to offers
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Post by edina on Feb 13, 2014 7:22:14 GMT
A young Portsmouth woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea, but just before she could throw herself from the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her. "You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Australia tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy." With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Australia , the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" asked the captain. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food every day and I get a free trip to Australia.” "I see," the captain says. Her conscience then got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me." "He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Isle of Wight Ferry."
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Post by edina on Feb 13, 2014 17:57:16 GMT
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Post by edina on Feb 14, 2014 5:20:51 GMT
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Post by edina on Feb 17, 2014 6:33:08 GMT
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Post by edina on Feb 18, 2014 16:25:10 GMT
Limerick
There once was a girl who begat
Three babies, named Nat, Pat and Tat
It was fun in the breeding
But hell in the feeding
When she found there was no Tit for Tat
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Post by edina on Feb 19, 2014 6:22:22 GMT
After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her. He looked at her for a while ... then said, "You're
A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."
She asks ... "What does that mean?"
He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.
She smiled happily and said ... "Oh, that's so lovely ... What about I, J, K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"
The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 20, 2014 18:48:16 GMT
Asda...you gotto be avin a laugh! Over the tannoy: 'Just to remind the little girl in the fruit and veg isle that bogies are not one of your 5 a day' Apparently a Kleenex advert...Funny and also YUK!
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Post by Firefox on Feb 21, 2014 11:29:08 GMT
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Post by edina on Feb 23, 2014 9:26:17 GMT
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Post by edina on Feb 24, 2014 6:23:56 GMT
Sally, the blonde, runs crying into the office. "What's wrong?" gasps her best friend Carol. "It's my boyfriend..." gushes Sally. "He was working on the engine of his car when the bonnet came down and cut off a finger!" "My god!" shrieks Carol. "Did it amputate his WHOLE finger!?" "No thank goodness," sniffs Sally. "But it was the one just next to it!"
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Post by edina on Feb 25, 2014 7:54:54 GMT
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