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Post by Firefox on Feb 19, 2015 13:03:47 GMT
My thumb is 3 inches long in case anyone was wondering
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Post by n brown on Feb 19, 2015 14:59:18 GMT
My thumb is 3 inches long in case anyone was wondering nave you always had short thumbs Vern ?
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Post by Firefox on Feb 19, 2015 15:20:57 GMT
My thumbs are normal length and in any case 3x3 is 9 is it not #penisenvy
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Post by stonedaddy on Feb 19, 2015 17:56:55 GMT
I'm gonna grow some 2" nails to help compete .. .... Tom ....
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Post by edina on Feb 21, 2015 11:50:27 GMT
SENIORS COFFEE GROUP
A group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments at Weatherspoon's.
"My arms have got so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad; can't even see my coffee."
"I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time because my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.
"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you, said one elderly lady!
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said one, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.
"I forget where I am and where I'm going," said another.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.
The others nodded in agreement.
"Well, count your Blessings," said a woman cheerfully.... "Thank God we can all still drive our motorhomes."
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Post by n brown on Feb 21, 2015 19:23:29 GMT
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Post by edina on Feb 22, 2015 5:06:35 GMT
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Post by Rubbertramp on Feb 22, 2015 12:00:40 GMT
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Post by edina on Feb 26, 2015 18:59:55 GMT
My mate used to work on the dodgems and today they sacked him. I told him to appeal on the grounds of funfair dismissal.
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Post by Is it spring yet, dormouse? on Mar 6, 2015 10:22:13 GMT
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Post by n brown on Mar 6, 2015 11:09:02 GMT
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Post by robmac on Mar 7, 2015 11:11:09 GMT
There be Donkey's in a paddock at the end of my garden. By gawd, they can let one go!
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Post by stonedaddy on Mar 7, 2015 11:33:59 GMT
There be Donkey's in a paddock at the end of my garden. By gawd, they can let one go! He he he-Awe ee-awe. .... Tom ....
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Post by edina on Mar 7, 2015 17:21:44 GMT
On his first day at the Nudist Colony Sid takes off his clothes, and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and Sid immediately gets an erection.
The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'
Sid replies, 'No, what do you mean?'
She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
Sid continues to explore the nudist colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts....
Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, 'Did you call for me?' says the hairy man.
'No, what do you mean?' says Sid
'You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
Then Sid staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says.
Sid yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the £400 membership fee.'
'But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities.'
Sid replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 75 years old. I only get an erection once a month, but I fart 35 times a day!!'
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Post by n brown on Mar 8, 2015 10:54:16 GMT
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Post by edina on Mar 11, 2015 18:59:15 GMT
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Post by Firefox on Mar 13, 2015 20:03:25 GMT
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Post by edina on Mar 31, 2015 17:24:45 GMT
A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift.
Preparing to write a cheque, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat, she says:
'Well, that's great..............some arsehole's got my pen!'
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Post by edina on Apr 2, 2015 17:42:02 GMT
Thanks Penny!!
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Post by penny13 on Apr 2, 2015 19:15:15 GMT
Thanks Penny!! Lovely to see you both, we have not stopped laughing
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Post by edina on Apr 17, 2015 17:29:40 GMT
Tinkle
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.
All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears.
'What's wrong?' asked the mother. 'I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out,' replied the daughter.
The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.
About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. 'Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out.'
Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.
A week later her son walked into the room in tears. 'It's okay' said the Mom, 'I know what happened, you were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out.'
'No,' said the boy, 'I was playing with myself and I shot the dog.'
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Post by Firefox on Apr 22, 2015 10:45:50 GMT
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Post by Firefox on Apr 22, 2015 17:12:00 GMT
.... If you want to take up the offer, it's on Penrith Train Station platform
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Post by edina on Apr 26, 2015 19:04:10 GMT
Timely reminder
Madeline was in the fertilized egg business. She had several hundred young 'pullets' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
Madeline's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen: but, this morning she noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
To Madeline's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.
He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.
Madeline was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in the Dowerin Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Peace Prize": they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.
Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?
Vote carefully in the next election. You can't always hear the bells.
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Post by edina on Apr 28, 2015 10:34:11 GMT
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and 'in heat', agreed to look after her neighbour's male dog while the neighbours were on holiday. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate. Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice. After she explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw." "Do you think that will work?" she asked. "It just worked on me," he replied.
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Post by Firefox on Apr 29, 2015 14:20:05 GMT
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Post by edina on Apr 30, 2015 14:03:44 GMT
Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained,
"It's the Chemist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."
Immediately, the husband drove down to confront the Chemist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the Chemist told him, "Now, just a minute mate, listen to my side of it.
This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys."
"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket.
Later, when I was about three streets from the store, I had a flat tyre."
"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the damn phone never stopped ringing."
He continued, "Then I had to break open a bag of pound coins against the cash register drawer to give change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the pound coins and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with bottles of expensive perfumes on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."
"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.
And believe me, mate, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."
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Post by edina on May 5, 2015 17:57:44 GMT
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt.
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.
For the second time she attempted the step, and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."
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Post by edina on May 13, 2015 17:38:20 GMT
The banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town. Tom had lost his wife a year or so before, and rumour had it that he was marrying a 'mail order' bride.
Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumour was true. Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.
Tom proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-one in November.' Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the needs of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year- old man.
Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch (knowing nature would take its own course). Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.
About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. 'How's the new wife?', asked the banker. Tom proudly said, 'Good - she's pregnant.'
The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, 'And how's the hired hand?'
Tom said, 'She's pregnant too.'
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Post by edina on Jun 24, 2015 9:01:04 GMT
Think carefully about what you add to your breakfast porridge or cornflakes.
Secret of a long life
LONGEVITY, EVERYONE?
Anyone in the autumn of their years pondering their mortality should take heart from the advice given by a tough old cattleman from Jindabyne (Australia) to his grand-daughter.
The secret to a long life, he counselled, was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal every morning.
The granddaughter followed this dictum religiously until her death at the venerable age of 103.
She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren
and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
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