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Post by robmac on Jul 18, 2014 7:52:36 GMT
Enough already! I'm off to Brandon!
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Post by Is it spring yet, dormouse? on Jul 18, 2014 16:53:09 GMT
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Post by n brown on Jul 18, 2014 19:49:19 GMT
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Post by edina on Jul 19, 2014 9:28:19 GMT
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Post by Is it spring yet, dormouse? on Jul 20, 2014 11:02:58 GMT
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Post by kangooroo on Jul 20, 2014 12:36:40 GMT
Those could be mistaken for bunny heads. If only I'd thought of this re our previous neighbour...
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Post by Is it spring yet, dormouse? on Jul 21, 2014 6:15:30 GMT
I'd seriously thought of cutting my hedge like this, but we only have one nasty neighbour so I changed my mind
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Post by Mikehanky on Jul 21, 2014 7:24:09 GMT
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Post by edina on Jul 24, 2014 20:18:05 GMT
A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class:
"What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Kevin says: "I wanna start out as a Marine Pilot,
then be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs,
find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over
a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion
in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite
Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen
door in a hurricane."
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this
horrible response from little Kevin, decides not to acknowledge
what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson . .. . ..
"And how about you, Sarah?"
"I wanna be Kevin’s whore."
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Post by Is it spring yet, dormouse? on Jul 25, 2014 16:46:20 GMT
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Post by edina on Jul 26, 2014 12:31:54 GMT
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Post by Is it spring yet, dormouse? on Jul 26, 2014 13:43:43 GMT
Brilliant!
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Post by Is it spring yet, dormouse? on Jul 29, 2014 8:28:59 GMT
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Post by Is it spring yet, dormouse? on Jul 29, 2014 9:58:41 GMT
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Post by X on Jul 29, 2014 10:32:08 GMT
And now you are organising a meet after your shopping trip ? That really will be a Mild spanking for wild w***ers meet !
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Post by Firefox on Jul 29, 2014 10:37:09 GMT
And now you are organising a meet after your shopping trip ? That really will be a Mild spanking for wild w***ers meet ! Shouldn't that be a Mild Spanking for Photoshoppers meet
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Post by edina on Aug 1, 2014 12:56:32 GMT
Last week, Ethel checked into a motel on her 70th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She had been afraid for years that she would be like an RTS (return to sender) letter (i.e. returned unopened, do I have to spell it all out for you ??)
She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."
She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo.
He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs that she felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off of........ She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.
"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?
Oh my, Ethel thought he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, "Hi, I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in baby oils, anything and everything, I'm ready!! Now how does that sound?" You will find me in room 212 at The Plaza Motel but please be discreet when you enter the lobby.
He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
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Post by edina on Aug 7, 2014 18:24:31 GMT
For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10 speed bicycle. His father said, 'Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is £280,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it.'
The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, 'Son, where are you going?'
Little Joseph told him, 'I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a £280,000 mortgage and no bloody bike.'
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Post by gaz on Aug 11, 2014 16:13:14 GMT
Climb onto your neighbour’s roof and dangle a fish on a bit of string in front of his windows. He’ll think his house is underwater.
Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate. – Mr. KVL 741Y
Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic. – D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead
When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH directions in case a large blue furniture removal lorry is reversing the wrong way up the road. – D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead General Infirmary
A next door neighbour’s car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.
Vegetarians coming to dinner?.... Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they`re always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc `tastes exactly like the real thing`, they won`t know any difference.
Invited by vegetarians for dinner?.... Point out that since you`d no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.
Bomb disposal experts’ wives.... Keep hubby on his toes by packing his lunchbox with plasticine and an old alarm clock.
Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to ‘fast wipe’ whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
Don’t invite drug addicts round for a meal on boxing day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.
Old telephone directories... make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don’t know.
Bus drivers.... Pretend you’re an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the passengers.
Save petrol by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably passers-by will think you’ve broken down and help.
Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.
Dyslexics.... Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way at least you have a chance of spelling them correctly.
these are nt mine... not near rude enough....copied and pasted of course
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Post by gaz on Aug 11, 2014 16:16:32 GMT
We should remember the tremendous contribution of the Queen Mother to the war effort: as the BBC pointed out, she "bravely remained in London beside her husband" during the war. This contrasts sharply with the actions of my grandfather who, on the declaration of war immediately left his wife and children and pissed off, first to France, then North Africa, Italy, France (again) and finally Germany. The shame will always be with us.
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Post by gaz on Aug 11, 2014 16:17:39 GMT
So Sting is able to shag his wife for five hours without going off. I know how he feels. My wife is no oil painting either.
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Post by gaz on Aug 11, 2014 16:19:39 GMT
A woman whose daughter was hospitalised in a US tornado told ITV News that 'God would make her better.' presumably, that's a different God from the one that almost killed her with a tornado.
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Post by gaz on Aug 11, 2014 16:20:44 GMT
I think Sir Paul McCartney should try to put his current predicament into perspective. In olden days, if you were unfortunate enough to be robbed by an omniped, it would almost certainly be a pirate. At least he's going to come out of this alive.
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Post by gaz on Aug 11, 2014 16:28:38 GMT
Yesterday I received an e-mail from a bored housewife looking for some action. Eager to please the young lady I sent her my ironing. That should keep her quiet for a while.
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Post by edina on Aug 23, 2014 5:18:51 GMT
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Post by jonochap on Aug 27, 2014 17:41:35 GMT
I had a very strange e mail i had to apologise to today, apparently Screwfix is not a dating agency
If its not broken...I can break it!
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Post by edina on Aug 27, 2014 17:46:36 GMT
In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to an African jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel. After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, "You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, he’s my right-hand man, he's really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless."
Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a humpbacked, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall. "Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself."
"Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events, and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of....."
Here the colonel interrupted, "Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to feck off."
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Post by n brown on Sept 8, 2014 6:55:10 GMT
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Post by edina on Sept 18, 2014 12:44:16 GMT
This one is to prove that I'm not sexist, and I thought Goosey would like it. lol
EVE'S SIDE OF THE STORY
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve... 'So, how is everything going?' inquired God.
'It is all so beautiful, God, ' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem.
It's these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They're a real pain. '
And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more ' symmetrically balanced '.
' That's a fair point, ' replied God, ' But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.'
And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes
Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.
'Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation? '
'Just fantastic, ' she replied, ' But for one oversight.
You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone. '
God thought for a moment and said, ' You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let's see......where did I put that useless Tit? '
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Post by robmac on Sept 18, 2014 16:59:22 GMT
Julie made me give you a like Chris!
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