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Post by edina on May 5, 2014 8:21:19 GMT
Q. What's the definition of 'Macho'?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.
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Post by Firefox on May 5, 2014 9:23:20 GMT
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: 'Pint please, and one for the road'. Barman says to the man, "So why's your buddy all curled up like that - he looks a bit weird." Man replies, " I wouldn't insult him if I were you, he's a psychopath."
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Post by robmac on May 5, 2014 10:46:02 GMT
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: 'Pint please, and one for the road'. Barman says to the man, "So why's your buddy all curled up like that - he looks a bit weird." Man replies, " I wouldn't insult him if I were you, he's a psychopath." Or Cyclepath!
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Post by edina on May 12, 2014 6:53:39 GMT
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker.
Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
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Post by edina on May 23, 2014 5:36:36 GMT
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Post by edina on May 24, 2014 11:26:33 GMT
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Post by n brown on May 24, 2014 12:09:31 GMT
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Post by edina on May 24, 2014 16:26:45 GMT
A guy was driving down a motorway in England with his blonde girlfriend and she piped up,
"I think those people in the car next to us are from Wales".
"Why do you think that ?" he said.
"Well, the kids are writing on the window and it says
"stit ruoy su wohs".
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Post by Is it spring yet, dormouse? on May 29, 2014 15:40:09 GMT
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Post by Pollik on May 29, 2014 20:32:44 GMT
And the original by the late and great Gerard Hoffnung
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Post by edina on May 30, 2014 17:28:19 GMT
My girlfriend always laughs when we’re having sex, no matter what she’s reading!
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Post by edina on Jun 3, 2014 16:03:27 GMT
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Post by edina on Jun 4, 2014 11:15:48 GMT
A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.
'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered.
'On a trip to the Big Horn Mountains out in Wyoming, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman.
I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.
I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the shit out of all of you!'
St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'
'Couple of minutes ago.'
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Post by edina on Jun 7, 2014 8:49:51 GMT
The Cowboy Boots (Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this one!) Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help and she could see why.. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.' She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet.. He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.' She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so?' like she wanted to. Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner had they gotten the boots off when he said, 'They're my brother's boots. My mom made me wear 'em.' Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his little feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?' He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.' She will be eligible for parole in three years!
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Post by edina on Jun 9, 2014 14:22:34 GMT
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Post by edina on Jun 9, 2014 14:37:37 GMT
A woman should trust her husband – well, once in a while at least.
For example, a wife came home late one night, and quietly opened the door to their bedroom. From under the blanket she saw four legs instead of two. She reached for a baseball bat and started hitting the blanket as hard as she could.
She left the covered bodies groaning and went to the kitchen to get a drink. As she entered the kitchen, she saw her husband sitting at the kitchen table reading a magazine.
"Hi darling," he said. "Your parents came to visit, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"
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Post by edina on Jun 12, 2014 16:40:18 GMT
Two young boys walked into a chemist’s one day, picked out a box of tampons
and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him.
He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be
able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."
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Post by edina on Jun 19, 2014 12:51:12 GMT
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Post by edina on Jun 25, 2014 16:06:41 GMT
It was April and the Aboriginals in a remote part of Northern Australia asked their new elder if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an elder in a modern community he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the tribe should collect firewood to be prepared.
But being a practical leader, after several days he had an idea. He walked out to the telephone booth on the highway, called the Bureau of Meteorology and asked, 'Is the coming winter in this area going to be cold?' The meteorologist responded, 'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold..'
So the elder went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared.
A week later he called the Bureau of Meteorology again.. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?' The meteorologist again replied, 'Yes, it's going to be a very cold winter.'
The elder again went back to his community and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later the elder called the Bureau again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?' he asked 'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever.' 'How can you be so sure?' the elder asked.
The weatherman replied, 'Our satellites have reported that the Aboriginals in the north are collecting firewood like crazy, and that's always a sure sign.'
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Post by edina on Jul 3, 2014 8:15:46 GMT
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Post by edina on Jul 5, 2014 19:08:50 GMT
A group of nursery chuldren were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk!
You need to use 'Big People' words,' she was always reminding them.
She asked John what he had done over the weekend? 'I went to visit my Nana'. No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER.
Use 'Big People' words!'
She then asked Mitchell what he had done 'I took a ride on a choo-choo'. She said. 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN.
You must remember to use 'Big People' words'.
She then asked little Alex what he had done? 'I read a book' he replied. That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said. 'What book did you read?'
Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said,
'Winnie the SHIT'
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Post by edina on Jul 6, 2014 4:47:31 GMT
THOSE OF YOU WHO HAVE HAD THE JOY OF TRYING TO SET A NEW PASSWORD WILL TOTALLY GET THIS.
WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.
USER: cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.
USER: boiled cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character
USER: 1 boiled cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces
USER: 50bloodyboiledcabbages
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.
USER: 50BLOODYboiledcabbages
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.
USER: 50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow!
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.
USER:
ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow
WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.
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Post by Rubbertramp on Jul 9, 2014 21:04:55 GMT
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Post by edina on Jul 11, 2014 8:52:29 GMT
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Post by edina on Jul 12, 2014 16:19:04 GMT
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Post by edina on Jul 13, 2014 5:36:06 GMT
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Post by edina on Jul 15, 2014 4:44:34 GMT
Q. What does a Liverpool girl use as protection during sex?
A. A bus shelter.
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Post by Is it spring yet, dormouse? on Jul 17, 2014 5:59:27 GMT
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Post by Is it spring yet, dormouse? on Jul 17, 2014 20:57:11 GMT
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Post by edina on Jul 18, 2014 7:18:04 GMT
Dead Penguins - I never knew this!
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica ?
Where do they go?
Wonder no more ! ! !
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
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