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Post by edina on Dec 8, 2013 12:27:14 GMT
Father Christmas was not in a very good frame of mind - in fact he was very depressed.
That morning after breakfast, Mrs Santa had told him that her Mother was coming over to stay 'for a few days' and he knew that would be for several weeks, and as Christmas was approaching her visit was the last thing that he wanted.
The Elves had been playing up and had gone on strike for more pay. The replacement elves Santa had put in were much slower and the number of toys that had been made was way down.
Father Christmas went to visit his Reindeer and found that two of them were pregnant and another two had kicked down the fence and had disappeared into the forest. He was by now even more depressed.
What I need is a drink he thought, but upon going indoors he found that the elves had hidden his Whisky and there was nothing left to drink in his liquour cabinet. Deciding upon a coffee he went into the kitchen but managed to drop the Jar of Coffee all over the floor. Now he really was cheesed off!
He went to fetch the broom to sweep up the mess but found that the mice had chewed off all the bristles.
At that moment there was a knock at the front door.
Upon opening it, Father Christmas was confronted by a beautiful Fairy holding a lovely Christmas Tree.
"Good Morning, Santa" she called "Isn't it a really lovely day. I have brought you this beautiful tree, isn't it lovely? Where would you like me to stick it?"
And that is why, by tradition, we have a Fairy sitting on top of our Christmas Trees.
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Post by Is it spring yet, dormouse? on Dec 9, 2013 7:17:29 GMT
One for Firefox.
What do you call a bunch of Grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
Life: unfinished threads in a never-ending tapestry
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Post by Firefox on Dec 9, 2013 11:23:57 GMT
One for Firefox. What do you call a bunch of Grandmasters of chess bragging about their games in a hotel lobby? Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
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Post by Is it spring yet, dormouse? on Dec 11, 2013 8:35:18 GMT
Life: unfinished threads in a never-ending tapestry
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Post by edina on Dec 11, 2013 11:24:29 GMT
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Post by edina on Dec 12, 2013 5:36:44 GMT
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Post by Pollik on Dec 12, 2013 20:43:02 GMT
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Post by edina on Dec 14, 2013 4:32:46 GMT
THINGS YOU CAN ONLY SAY AT CHRISTMAS 1: I prefer breasts to legs. 2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist. 3: Smother the butter all over the breasts. 4: If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst! 5: I've never seen a better spread! 6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change. 7: Are you ready for seconds yet? 8: It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it? 9: Just wait your turn, you'll get some! 10: Don't play with your meat! 11: Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go. 12: Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once? 13: I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time! 14: You still have a little bit on your chin. 15: How long will it take after you put it in? 16: You'll know it's ready when it pops up. 17: Just pull the end and wait for the bang. 18: That's the biggest bird I've ever had! 19: I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning. 20: Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more Attachment Deleted
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Post by edina on Dec 17, 2013 5:33:02 GMT
Health and Safety for the Xmas period!!!
Transport
All members of the establishment planning to dash through the snow in a one horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are advised that a Risk Assessment will be required addressing the safety of an open sleigh for members of the public. This assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers. Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is kept to 'moderate' only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance. (A decibel meter is available for hire)
Equipment and PPE
Benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available for collection by any shepherds planning or required to watch their flocks at night. While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all users of this facility are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for known risks to the flocks. The angel of the lord is reminded that, prior to shining his/her glory all around, s/he must confirm that all shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment to account for the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.
Animal Welfare
The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period. Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles.
The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr. Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.
It is not advised that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC Routefinder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels’ hooves.
Inclusion Policy
Following last year’s well publicised case, everyone is advised that Equal Opportunities legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence.
Hospitality
While it is acknowledged that gift bearing is a common practice in various parts of the world, particularly the Orient, everyone is reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to Hospitality Guidelines and all gifts must be registered. This applies regardless of the individual, even royal personages. It is particularly noted that direct gifts of currency or gold are specifically precluded, while caution is advised regarding other common gifts such as aromatic resins that may evoke allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipients name or perhaps give a gift voucher.
Record Checks
Finally, in the recent case of the infant found tucked up in a manger without any crib for a bed, Social Services have been advised and will be arriving shortly. Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock the infant.
Merry Christmas
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Post by edina on Dec 18, 2013 14:28:49 GMT
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Post by Pollik on Dec 19, 2013 11:07:28 GMT
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Post by edina on Dec 20, 2013 6:51:20 GMT
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Post by Oldish Hippy on Dec 20, 2013 7:16:17 GMT
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Post by edina on Dec 20, 2013 7:30:51 GMT
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Post by edina on Dec 21, 2013 10:47:06 GMT
I'd better post this one, even if it is an antique,
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'
The man from Mussleburgh fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.
The man from Leith reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.
The Edinburgh man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'
The Edinburgh man replied, 'These are Carols.'
Sorry ..... I'll get me hat & coat
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Post by edina on Dec 22, 2013 6:25:51 GMT
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Post by Pollik on Dec 22, 2013 17:31:40 GMT
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Post by edina on Dec 25, 2013 8:25:44 GMT
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Post by NeilyG on Dec 26, 2013 15:47:59 GMT
Hope you all had a luvley Xmas - especially the forum gaffer who got us both thick socks presies. Will be ideal for next Shap meet. enjoy Ribblehead, you lot.
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