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Post by edina on Dec 5, 2013 5:27:34 GMT
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls." Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said. After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked ... "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
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Post by edina on Dec 5, 2013 9:50:17 GMT
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Post by edina on Dec 6, 2013 3:57:57 GMT
Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker.
It was just After Eight.
They got off at Quality Street , and had a drink in Mars bar.
He asked her name. 'Polo, I'm the one with the hole' she said with a Wispa.
'I'm Marathon , the one with the nuts' he replied.
He touched her Cream Eggs, which was a Kinder Surprise for her.
Then he slipped his hand into her Snickers, which made her Ripple.
He fondled her Jelly Babies and she rubbed his Tic Tacs.
Soon they were Heart Throbs.
It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight.
But, 3 days later, his Sherbet Dip Dab started to itch.
Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he had Allsorts!
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Post by edina on Dec 6, 2013 16:49:47 GMT
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Post by edina on Dec 7, 2013 8:58:41 GMT
A man left work one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend fishing with the boys and spent his entire wages. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
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Post by edina on Dec 7, 2013 17:53:39 GMT
Obviously installed by an erectrician!
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Post by edina on Dec 8, 2013 9:33:12 GMT
Two Yorkshire men are out fly fishing on the river Wharfe.
Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, 'I think I'm gonna divorce my wife, she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.'
Harry continues quietly fishing, then thoughtfully says, 'You better think it over, Bob - Women like that are hard to find.'
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Post by edina on Dec 11, 2013 11:38:07 GMT
A man and a woman meet in an elevator. "Where are you heading today?" the man asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About £20."
"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays £100." The woman angrily gets off the elevator.
The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.
"Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?"
"Sperm bank," she says with her mouth full.
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Post by edina on Dec 11, 2013 18:43:59 GMT
A teacher asks the class to name things that end with 'tor' that eat things.
The first little boy says "Alligator"
"Very good", says the teacher, that's a big word.
The second boy says "Predator"
"Yes, that's another big word, well done"
Little Johnny says "Vibrator"
After nearly falling off her chair, the teacher says, "That is a big word, but it doesn't eat anything".
Johnny says, "Well my sister has one and she says it eats batteries like there's no tomorrow"
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Post by Oldish Hippy on Dec 11, 2013 19:07:12 GMT
little lad in class waving his hand at teacher shouting miss miss she say'scalm down and recite the alphebet before you ask me the question so very fast he goes abcdefghijklmnoqrstuvxyz she said wheres the p he said it's too late its running down my leg
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Post by edina on Dec 12, 2013 5:34:00 GMT
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Post by edina on Dec 13, 2013 3:51:35 GMT
Two businessmen were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new shop in the centre of Weybridge Surrey. As yet, the shop wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some pensioner is going to walk by, put their face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked,
"What are you selling here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling arse-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the old dear said,
“Must be doing well... Only two left."
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Post by edina on Dec 13, 2013 4:19:06 GMT
Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car. It later turned out to be a tax disc.
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Post by robmac on Dec 13, 2013 7:34:07 GMT
Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car. It later turned out to be a tax disc. You could be in BIG trouble Chris, when a certain young lady reads this thread.
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Post by edina on Dec 13, 2013 7:44:31 GMT
Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car. It later turned out to be a tax disc. You could be in BIG trouble Chris, when a certain young lady reads this thread. I checked first and she was not here (when she's away on holiday, I've got loads more), like this -: What do Liverpool girls use for protection during sex .............................................. a bus shelter.
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Post by Is it spring yet, dormouse? on Dec 13, 2013 8:09:39 GMT
Oo you'll be for the high jump when she gets back, Chris!
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Post by lotusanne on Dec 13, 2013 9:27:18 GMT
Doctor doctor, is it normal to have one ball bigger than the other two??!!!
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Post by edina on Dec 13, 2013 15:45:45 GMT
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Post by edina on Dec 15, 2013 6:30:38 GMT
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his help in reviving her husband's libido.
'What about trying Viagra?', asked the doctor. "Not a chance," she said. "He won't even take an aspirin." "Not a problem," replied the doctor. "Give him an 'Irish Viagra. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went."
It wasn't a week later that she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to progress. The poor dear exclaimed, "Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!" "Really? What happened?" asked the doctor.
"Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee, and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye, and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent the cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters, and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!"
"Why so terrible?" asked the doctor. "Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?"
"Twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!"
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Post by edina on Dec 16, 2013 7:07:17 GMT
Just got back from Weston Super Mare, never again! On the seafront I saw a guy and woman having a shouting match until the woman smacked the guy in the head and they started fighting. Then a copper turned up, but instead of trying to calm things down he starts hitting the guy with his baton, in the end the guy gets the baton off the copper and starts hitting him AND his wife! > > > > > > > > > > > > ? > > > > > > > Then this crocodile turned up and stole all the sausages!.
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Post by morganthemoon on Dec 16, 2013 9:30:34 GMT
Just got back from Weston Super Mare, never again! On the seafront I saw a guy and woman having a shouting match until the woman smacked the guy in the head and they started fighting. Then a copper turned up, but instead of trying to calm things down he starts hitting the guy with his baton, in the end the guy gets the baton off the copper and starts hitting him AND his wife! > > >You are an idiot Chris lol. > > > > > > > > > ? > > > > > > > Then this crocodile turned up and stole all the sausages!.
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Post by edina on Dec 16, 2013 10:26:23 GMT
Just got back from Weston Super Mare, never again! On the seafront I saw a guy and woman having a shouting match until the woman smacked the guy in the head and they started fighting. Then a copper turned up, but instead of trying to calm things down he starts hitting the guy with his baton, in the end the guy gets the baton off the copper and starts hitting him AND his wife! > > >You are an idiot Chris lol. Too late to change now - I'm retired you know! > > > > > > > > > ? > > > > > > > Then this crocodile turned up and stole all the sausages!.
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Post by edina on Dec 17, 2013 4:35:55 GMT
LIFEGUARDS If they're trying to bring him round - my money's on the girl on the right.
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Post by Is it spring yet, dormouse? on Dec 17, 2013 4:52:15 GMT
Moon is right, edina - you naughty boy!
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Post by edina on Dec 17, 2013 5:02:07 GMT
Moon is right, edina - you naughty boy! Don't encourage the sheep shearing b*gger! He's not yet retired you know. Have you got the van sorted out and dry again?
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Post by edina on Dec 17, 2013 5:30:46 GMT
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Post by edina on Dec 18, 2013 7:19:22 GMT
A hungry traveller stops at a monastery and is taken to the kitchens.
A brother is frying chips.
'Are you the friar?' he asks.
'No. I'm the chip monk,' he replies.
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Post by edina on Dec 19, 2013 7:22:52 GMT
Mary found out that her dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.
The vet found that the problem was ear wax and hair clogging the dog's ears.
He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell Mary that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
Mary went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover.
At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
Mary said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."
Mary replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either.
If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."
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Post by robmac on Dec 19, 2013 11:22:51 GMT
A man rushes his limp dog to the veterinarian. The doctor pronounces the dog dead. The agitated man demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat. The cat sniffs the body and meows. The vet says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too."
The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.
The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body and barks. The vet says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead, too."
The man finally resigns to the diagnosis and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "£650."
"£650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaims the man.
"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you £50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional £600 is for the cat scan and lab tests."
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Post by edina on Dec 20, 2013 7:12:36 GMT
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