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Post by cardmaker on Nov 28, 2013 18:42:24 GMT
I just loved the prawn and airline jokes - than you keep em coming
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Post by edina on Nov 28, 2013 21:21:33 GMT
You don't get more romantic than this!
Aussie stockman and his wife had just got married and found a quiet hotel for their wedding night.
The man approached the front desk and asked for a room.
He said, 'We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room, with a good strong bed." 'We have many suites', then the clerk winked, 'You want the 'Bridal'?'
The drover reflected on this for a moment and then replied,
'Nah, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it.'
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Post by edina on Nov 29, 2013 3:33:21 GMT
Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor. "No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"
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Post by edina on Nov 29, 2013 3:34:32 GMT
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Post by edina on Nov 29, 2013 13:04:19 GMT
Paddy's racing snail was not winning races anymore, so he decided to take its shell off to reduce its weight and make it more aerodynamic. It didn't work, if anything it made him more sluggish.
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Post by cardmaker on Nov 29, 2013 17:43:16 GMT
A young man professed the desire to become the world's greatest writer. His careers officer asked him to define the word "great", to which he replied "I want to write words that the whole world will read and people will react to it on an emotional level. Things that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and in anger. Ten years later he was writing error messages for Microsoft.
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Post by Firefox on Nov 29, 2013 17:47:59 GMT
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards .. The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards .
The man, who was a priest, said, " I am a Father . . ." The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."
The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of many . The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!"
The priest, getting impatient, said . "I am the Father of hundreds", and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar."
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Post by edina on Nov 29, 2013 17:54:36 GMT
A Catholic Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving His Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives, when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to Speak English.
So he takes the chief for a Walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The Priest pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of Natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.
The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, "Man riding a bike." The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.
The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the Chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, "My bike."
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Post by edina on Nov 30, 2013 5:27:54 GMT
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Post by edina on Nov 30, 2013 5:32:55 GMT
Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"
He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts, "I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!" Murphy watches in amazement! The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home". So he leaves the site. Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well. "Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.
"I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.
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Post by lotusanne on Nov 30, 2013 8:57:03 GMT
Well, did you know that the Chinese language started off as English? Then one person whispered it to another....!!! (nicked from TV last night!)
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Post by cardmaker on Nov 30, 2013 14:43:14 GMT
Five Reasons to believe computers are male They have a lot of data but are still clueless They are support to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem As soon as you commit to one you realise that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have obtained a better model In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on Big power surges knock them out for the rest of the night
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Post by cardmaker on Nov 30, 2013 14:47:48 GMT
and just in case you think I am sexist Four reasons to believe computers are female No one but their creator understands their internal logic The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your salary on accessories for it
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Post by edina on Nov 30, 2013 15:24:48 GMT
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then He made the earth round....and laughed and laughed and laughed...
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Post by edina on Dec 1, 2013 5:43:09 GMT
I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed.
At one point she said "Daddy, look at this" and stuck out two of her fingers. Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers" pretending to eat them.
I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said "What's wrong, honey?"
She replied "What happened to my bogie?"
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Post by edina on Dec 1, 2013 5:43:53 GMT
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Post by edina on Dec 1, 2013 7:43:32 GMT
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Post by edina on Dec 1, 2013 8:23:30 GMT
December's here, so time to get seasonal! (Sorry Barrie) !
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Post by robmac on Dec 1, 2013 22:33:32 GMT
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Post by edina on Dec 2, 2013 7:15:02 GMT
I can't see it either, and my sense of humour's about as distorted as it can get; praps it needs to be seen in context.
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Post by edina on Dec 2, 2013 7:18:20 GMT
Monica walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the guy "I've got another dress for you to clean " Slightly hard of hearing the clerk replies "come again? "No" says Monica, "Mustard!"
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Post by morganthemoon on Dec 2, 2013 11:29:12 GMT
Monica walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the guy "I've got another dress for you to clean " Slightly hard of hearing the clerk replies "come again? "No" says Monica, "Mustard!" More filth !
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Post by robmac on Dec 2, 2013 18:50:16 GMT
An Australian father goes into his daughter's bedroom and sees a letter addressed to "Mum and Dad" on the bed. With a heavy heart he opens it and reads: Dear Mum & Dad, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I've eloped with my new boyfriend. I've found real love and he is so nice. Especially with all his piercings, scars, tattoos, and his big motorcycle. But it's not only that, I'm pregnant, and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his caravan in the bush. He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams too. I've learned that marijuana does not hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and Ahmed's friends. They're the ones providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we could ever want. In the meantime we'll pray to Allah for science to find a cure for AIDS, so Ahmed can get better. He deserves it. Don't worry about money. Ahmed has arranged for me to be in films that his friends Leroy and Jamal make in their basement. Apparently I can earn $200 per scene. I get a $200 bonus if there are more than three men in the scene and an extra $100 for the kangaroo. Don't worry Mum. Now I'm 15 I know how to take care of myself. Someday we'll visit you and Dad so that you can meet your grandchildren.
Your loving daughter,
Sandra
P.S. Dad, it's not true. I'm watching TV at the neighbours. I just wanted to show you that there really are worse things in life than England retaining the Ashes
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Post by cardmaker on Dec 3, 2013 3:39:26 GMT
A man wanted a boat more than anything. His wife kept refusing, but he bought one anyway. "I'll tell you what," he told her "In the spirit of compromise, why don't you name the boat? Being a good sport she accepted. When her husband went to the dock for the maiden voyage, this is the name he saw painted on the side "For Sale".
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Post by cardmaker on Dec 3, 2013 3:41:29 GMT
A woman saw a beautiful bracelet in a jewellery shop window. She went in and asked the assistant if a small deposit would hold it until her husband did something unforgiveable
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Post by edina on Dec 3, 2013 4:31:21 GMT
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the highlands. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers So I apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down to see the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around, as I played my heart and soul out, for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothing like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
Apparently I'm still lost....it's a man thing.
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Post by robmac on Dec 3, 2013 7:08:45 GMT
I lost my temper in Domino's pizza the other day and ended up pushing the bloke behind the till. He fell into another member of staff, who fell into another member of staff, who fell into another member of staff ...
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Post by edina on Dec 4, 2013 6:44:02 GMT
Sad news....from the Nestle factory today as a man was crushed to death by hundreds of boxes of chocolate.
He tried in vain to attract attention, but every time he yelled 'The Milky Bars are on me!' people just cheered!!!
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Post by edina on Dec 4, 2013 14:43:58 GMT
A group of chaps, all aged 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Bridgnorth because the waitresses had big breasts, & wore miniskirts.
Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Bridgnorth because the food and service was good and the beer was excellent.
Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Bridgnorth because they could dine in peace and quiet and it was good value for money
Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Bridgnorth because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a lift for the disabled.
Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Bridgnorth because they had never been there before!
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Post by Mikehanky on Dec 4, 2013 14:50:58 GMT
Memorable Password
Always choose a memorable password! A woman helps her husband install a new computer. Once it is completed, she tells him to select a password, Selecting a word that he'll always remember. As the computer asks him to enter it, he looks at his wife And with a macho gesture and a wink in his eye, He selects a word:
“Mypenis”
As he hits "enter", to validate the selection, his wife Collapses with laughter and rolls on the floor in hysteria!! The computer had replied:
TOO SHORT- ACCESS DENIED!
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