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Post by edina on Jan 2, 2014 8:20:21 GMT
A couple is in bed sleeping when there's a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. The husband rolls over and looks at the clock, and its half past 3 in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. So he drags himself out of bed, goes downstairs, opens the door, and there's a man standing there. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?" "No, get lost. It's half past three and I was in bed," says the man as he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tell his wife what happened and she says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?" "But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife." He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere, He shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please." So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" The drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing."
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Post by edina on Jan 2, 2014 9:59:22 GMT
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Post by edina on Jan 2, 2014 15:40:38 GMT
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Post by edina on Jan 3, 2014 7:20:11 GMT
Love in the Valleys
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Post by edina on Jan 4, 2014 5:17:57 GMT
After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was enough and as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed, the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem, but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." "Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand...
This procedure also works in Birmingham, Sunderland, Aberdeen, Bristol and anywhere in Wales.
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Post by edina on Jan 4, 2014 7:22:58 GMT
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Post by edina on Jan 5, 2014 5:39:52 GMT
A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young girl.
Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words... "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.
Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride.
She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator.
Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn't wear because they were out of style.
She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the colour didn't suit you.
Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore.
Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, 'Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?'
..."And so, here we are!"
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Post by edina on Jan 6, 2014 6:33:26 GMT
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Post by Is it spring yet, dormouse? on Jan 6, 2014 9:14:51 GMT
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Post by Is it spring yet, dormouse? on Jan 7, 2014 15:30:10 GMT
Why older men (or women!) don’t get hired...
Job Interview:
Human Resources Manager: "What is your greatest weakness?" Older Man : "Honesty." Human Resources Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness." Older Man : "I don't really give a shit what you think."
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Post by edina on Jan 7, 2014 15:36:12 GMT
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Post by edina on Jan 8, 2014 18:35:17 GMT
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Post by Is it spring yet, dormouse? on Jan 9, 2014 10:43:01 GMT
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Post by edina on Jan 9, 2014 11:57:32 GMT
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Post by edina on Jan 10, 2014 4:36:07 GMT
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
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Post by edina on Jan 11, 2014 14:49:55 GMT
This was the photo in a recent caption competition:
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Post by edina on Jan 12, 2014 9:14:52 GMT
A womans confession!!
I was due for an appointment with the gynaecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me there was a cancellation and the 9:30am appointment was available. I took it. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am.
The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pyjamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in "that area" to make sure I was at least presentable, threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment. I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in.
Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other such glamorous place a million miles away.
I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?" I didn't respond. After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal... some shopping, cleaning,cooking, etc.
After school when my six year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?" I told her to get another one from the cupboard.
She replied, "No!!!"
She yelled, " I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it."
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Post by robmac on Jan 12, 2014 9:18:29 GMT
Coffee all over me keyboard again!
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Post by edina on Jan 13, 2014 6:22:17 GMT
Didn't know whether to use this thread or the dunking one.
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Post by Is it spring yet, dormouse? on Jan 13, 2014 9:46:46 GMT
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Post by edina on Jan 14, 2014 7:02:34 GMT
Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:
First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."
Second guy: "That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."
Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."
They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they asked him: You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"
Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 a.m. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or Sex?" and she said, "Don't forget your sweater."
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Post by edina on Jan 14, 2014 9:50:30 GMT
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Post by robmac on Jan 14, 2014 12:32:54 GMT
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.
The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.
After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day.
Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous.
'You have no arms !'
'No matter,' said the man. 'Observe !' And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.
But suddenly, as he rushed forward to strike the bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.
The stunned bishop rushed down two hundred and ninety five church steps, when he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moment before.
As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked,
'Bishop, who was this man ?'..
'I don't know his name,' the bishop sadly replied,
' .................... BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL'
WAIT ! WAIT ! There's more
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.
The first man to approach him said, 'Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday.
I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty.'
The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.
Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.
'What has happened ? Who is this man ?' the first monk asked breathlessly.
'I don't know his name,' sighed the distraught bishop, 'but....'
'HE'S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER.'
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Post by edina on Jan 15, 2014 20:22:01 GMT
Tampax have announced today that their seasonal tampons, they are the ones with the cord replaced with a piece of tinsel, are being withdrawn from sale. The reason given is that they were for the Christmas period only.
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Post by edina on Jan 16, 2014 6:32:52 GMT
Three chaps were talking about the new pub.
The first says: "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"
The second then starts: "That sounds like a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one called Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy another drink, Vinny buys you another drink."
Then the third pipes up. "You think that's good? Where I come from, there's this place called Murphy's. At Murphy's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"
"Wow!" say the other two. "That sounds fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?" "No," replies their friend, "but it happened to my sister!"
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Post by edina on Jan 17, 2014 5:55:35 GMT
It is thought the church is changing it's attitude to condoms -
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Post by penny13 on Jan 17, 2014 6:36:03 GMT
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Post by penny13 on Jan 17, 2014 6:44:00 GMT
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Post by penny13 on Jan 17, 2014 6:48:32 GMT
The cat one reminds me of Gaz ! Don't know WHY just does
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Post by penny13 on Jan 17, 2014 6:49:45 GMT
The fella in purple reminds me of Nigel ! Now I am Going to get it
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